For the
past few weeks, my feed has been full of… well, the usual Trump-induced rage
and despair. But, aside from what has (horrifyingly) become “the norm,” my
timeline was full of horror fans raving about Nosferatu (2024) and, as a diehard Drac Fan™, it got me stoked for this remake.
Maybe the
bar was set too high…
After
weeks of being told what an amazing movie Nosferatu was, I was expecting it to
be, you know, amazing?
I would
have settled for good.
What I got
was a too dark, too loud movie that just tried too damned hard.
The plot
of Nosferatu should be familiar enough for anyone with even a passing interest
in horror films. Or classic literature. Or a shred of cultural literacy.
Nosferatu
is Dracula with just enough changed to (just about) make it it’s own film. This version of
Nosferatu is the 1922 original with more demons and less atmosphere.
I’ll pause
here for gothic pearl-clutching.
Yes, I
said it: the movie everyone has hailed as the most atmospheric movie they’ve
ever seen! is nothing of the sort. It relies almost entirely on NicholasHoult’s (playing the unfortunate Thomas Hutter) reactions to convey how we, the
audience, should feel about his surroundings – a technique that might have
worked if Hoult possessed more range.
But he
doesn’t and it didn’t.
Extended
shots of Hoult’s being frightened (we assume) just wound up being boring thanks
to his apparent lack of emotion.
Speaking
of emotion…
I guess
I’m going to have to mention Robert Eggers’s attempt to “sex up” a film that
didn’t need sexing up. Throwing in sex scenes that did nothing for the plot and
endless legs-akimbo writhing just came across as desperate and cringe-worthy.
Don’t even
ask me what the fuck the raping a corpse thing was supposed to achieve because
really.
What the
fuck?
Mention the 1922 Nosferatu, and most people, even those with little interest in horror, are
likely to pull the classic pose of Max Schrek’s Count Orlok’s shadow ascending
the stairs. It’s ionic and timeless – which is why Eggrs’s half-assed attempts
to wedge shadows into the film come across as so clunky and, frankly,
juvenile.
There’s a sensual quality about that shadow, about Count Orlok’s
movements in the original, that are lacking in the 2024 remake. It looks silly
when an outstretched hand is plastered across the screen repeatedly.
And, as
for the Count…
Jay doesn’t
rate Bill Skarsgård as an actor. Honestly? I don’t remember him in much besides the It
movies and he made a good Pennywise so… 🤷♀️
So, what
about Bill Skarsgård’s performance as Count Orlok?
Fucking
awful.
Sorry,
that was unnecessarily mean. Let me try again.
Fucking.
Awful.
Somehow,
Max Schreck managed to make his Count Orlok a monster – but not revolting.
*moment for contemplative thought*
Yeah, I’d
do him.
Top Tier
Drac Fan™. 😉
Skarsgård’s
Count Orlok? Just revolting, not monstrous.
I imagine
that horrible wheezing sound must be what it’s like to be under Rupert Murdoch.
And… I
just threw up in my mouth a little. 🤢
There’s
nothing sinister or sensual about Skarsgård’s Orlok, which makes him a
nonentity in his own movie.
The only
performance worth mentioning, in my opinion, was Willem Defoe’s Professor Albin
Eberhart von Franz, who absolutely did not get enough screen time. I would have
liked to have seen Defoe as a proper Van Helsing, just to see a little bit more
of his trademark mania seep into the role. Jay said he was wasted in this film and I can’t disagree with that.
Honestly,
we were so bored watching Nosferatu that we found ourselves cracking jokes, just
to fill the time. I know it’s far too early to make any predictions, but
Nosferatu has to be at least one of the most overhyped movies we will have seen
this year.
Verdict?
If you
can’t do better than a hundred-year-old film, don’t bother trying.
Rating: ⭐⭐ (2/5)